Dining Alone

Table for One?

Author’s Note:

I feel like I’m saving my bigger stories. I don’t know why. My trusted friend and mentor says I need to lay it all out. Write about the deeper hurts and triumphs. Make this even more A Bit Much. But I feel like my readers are still getting to know me.

And so this post contains themes that I have deeper stories on. But I’m choosing to focus the topic on the current moment, not the parts that really transformed me. Not yet.

***What do you think? Is this “raw” enough? Drop a comment and let me know! (And don’t say, ‘do what you’re comfortable with,’ please! Rest assured I 100% will. I’m looking for your thoughts.)***

Dining Alone

Table for One

I grew up in a small house that had one bathroom for 5 people. I’d add that four of them were women, but everybody knows dudes take just as long in the bathroom primping, right?

As soon as I hit 18, I partnered with someone. We spent the next nearly two decades in a committed relationship. First college, then we moved to a 1BR NYC apartment together.

Solitude was not part of life.

It wasn’t until my soul journey summer that I learned to be alone. There are many, many stories from that summer to tell. For now, the point is that I was into my 3rd decade of life before I learned to truly be my own company.

Which is not to say I haven’t always been a loner. Bit of an oxymoron, but a loner surrounded by people definitely describes much of my experience. But, I digress.

Liverpool was the first place I ever ate alone in a restaurant. I don’t mean grabbed a bite at a bar; I mean sat at a table set for one. The server seemed to take pity on me, as she checked on me every few bites of my meal. (Always timed so my mouth was full of food—isn’t that the law of nature??) I felt like I was on display, like some pathetic soul whom everyone cast sideways glances at. “Poor thing,” they were thinking. “Having to sit all by herself. She’s clearly separated from her husband and in an existential crisis. Someone get her some cats and a housecoat, stat!”

Shenanigans. That was just my shadow talking.

I decided at that awkward dinner that I hated dining alone. If I was to spend my life single, I would eat at bars or in my house, thank you very much. The fact that that evening went on to be a fantastically wild story of a night didn’t alter my attitude on eating alone.

So when, I wonder, did it change?

Hard to say. There isn’t a single moment I can think of. Only that, as I’ve grown into this new phase of life, I’m not at all uncomfortable requesting a table for one. Do I do it often? No. Do I feel a bit weird sitting down by myself?

Honestly? No.

I usually have my journal on hand. Either that or something to read—or someone to chat with via text, although I try to minimize that and stay present in the moment. (It doesn’t always work.) But the point is, I no longer feel like the odd woman out to sit in a restaurant alone. Actually, it can be fun. People sometimes come ask me if I’m by myself, and I comfortably say yes. They always seem impressed, which amuses me. If you think it’s cool, do it for yourself! The servers often seem more relaxed to handle a party of one—and of course, I always tip even more generously for taking their table as a 1-top.

Another thing that dining out doesn’t trigger? Food insecurities. I am extremely sensitive about what I eat. But I have no thought that my fellow patrons are considering my menu choices. In fact, there is no one to consider my choices! So if I want Brussels sprouts as an appetizer, then I’m going to have them dammit. (I hear you judging me! Stop that!)

Beyond all the little details, dining alone reminds me that I am whole by myself. I deserve to take myself out for a meal. I can put on a dress and lipstick and savor dinner all by myself. I am enough.

I am worth spoiling. And I can spoil myself.

This post brought to you by an unexpected moment of solitude. Being in paradise all on my own wasn’t the plan. But I made the most of it.

And you already know I took myself out to dinner. ;)

Your Turn

Will you request a table for 1? What is your experience with solitude, and how has that shaped you?

Do you believe you’ve earned the right to spoil yourself??