A Bit of Reflection-And Gratitude

Sending love to former me.

Thought exercise: Think back to a rough time in your past. What message would you send that version of you? How are you showing up now to honor the growth and learning you’ve done in times since? 

Facebook reminded me of this post from five years ago today. It is again Thanksgiving Eve, and seeing my words from that year really gave me pause. Really filled me with memories, good and very, very bad from that time in my life. Really reminded me how much change one year–one or two days–can bring, let alone five. 

I sound tired in this post. I reckon I was. That was a hectic time, living in Brooklyn. Teaching spin at New York Sports Clubs around the city as a side-hustle to my daytime teaching job. It was a good time. Loving life in my little apartment with the terrace. Somehow remaining magically remaining thin no matter whether I had a beer or two or not. (How did I do that?? Why is it so hard to hold on to??)

But that was the time when I’d gone three rounds dating the same person in one year. And, for the third (and would-be final) time, our relationship had grown strained. Distant. Cool. But by that point, I didn’t have the energy to fight for it anymore. 

I spent that Thanksgiving day by myself. He went to his family’s house. I didn’t love his choice to leave me on the holiday, but I also knew we weren’t in it for the happy-ever-after. I told myself it was fine because I wasn’t a “serious” girlfriend. I told myself it didn’t matter, even though this holiday is very dear to me. 

I knew I didn’t deserve being prioritized. 

That was my lesson to learn. 

The day after Thanksgiving, we burned our relationship to the ground for the final, traumatic, catastrophic time. I say we because I was part of it. While he betrayed me in ways I still shudder to think about, I had my own betrayals to live with. My blame to carry. I played my part in the mess. 

In the aftermath of this disastrous weekend, I spent the rest of the year getting right with myself. Understanding truths I hadn’t wanted, or been ready to, look at. I went to Scotland for Christmas to heal my soul. In the new year, I started over again. Another decade, another era.

Of course, that was 2020…

When I look at that post from precisely five years ago, I’m struck hard by how much has changed. How much would change in a matter of hours after writing it. How much time and life is between then and now, even though the memory is still potent when I think of it. 

It’s just that I don’t think of it much these days. 

I don’t wish my ex ill will. I don’t speak or think bitterly of him. I don’t think our relationship was a mistake, not at all. I do think I learned a lot about valuing myself as a result of the experience. And for that, I’m truly thankful. 

Five years ago, a little apartment in Brooklyn. By myself (with dogs). Downplaying my greatness as a reason to be left alone. Dismissing my worth, indeed acting like I was worth less because that’s what life (and people) had been suggesting hard in recent times. 

Now, family in a new place (with dogs). Comfortable with my greatness and humbly aware of how much more growth I have in front of me. Truly valuing myself in relationships and in my self-image. Acting like a woman who’s wise enough to know she doesn’t know everything–but remembering I’m worth showing up for. 

I do deserve prioritization. From myself. 

On this Thanksgiving Eve, five years removed from that strange, tumultuous time, I send gentle love to that former version of me. I hope my ex is happy and fulfilled. But I look back at 2019 me and want to speed her along the timeline so she understands her worth. I can’t do this, of course. I can only show up now in this chapter with that energy. 

And so I do, and I will. I send strength and healing to every weary soul who needs it today.