A Bit of Insecurity
To understand what it’s like to be A Bit Much, perhaps it’s best to start with the ocean of insecurity that comes with it.
“But you’ve always been good enough. You’ve just been giving the best parts of you to the wrong people.” -Unknown
When your version of normal makes others uncomfortable, it’s easy to question yourself. Doubt yourself.
“If only I _, then they’d get it. If I could just _, I wouldn’t feel so alone/ misunderstood/ different/ etc.”
It’s easy to think that by fixing part of you, the rest will all fall into place. Your intensity will be seen as passion and love. Your voice will inspire, not intimidate. Your ideas will be discussed, not stuffed in a box out of fear of rejection.
Going through life as A Bit Much, I have battled insecurity in so many realms. Body image, spiritual beliefs, and self-worth have all been scrutinized. I’ve made changes that stuck and tried to change things that were beyond me. Only in the past few years have I begun to learn the quote above. I have always been good enough. The changes I want to make should be part of an ever-evolving life, not a response to external criticism.
I always wanted to be small. To be a slender little thing who never worried if clothes would fit too tight. The fact that I was a sedentary child with a sluggish metabolism set me up for a lifetime of chasing that goal–and being ashamed of the body I lived in for so many years.
There is nothing shameful about size. There is nothing shameful about being you. But I didn’t like me. I was too heavy for my frame, and I was too weird for my family and friends. I was too much. And, one of the first ways I wanted to escape that feeling was by shrinking my body.
Losing weight was never easy for me. It still isn’t. I understand the formulas. I understand the toxic fatphobia in our culture. I understand that bodies are unique, and that my active lifestyle says I’m in peak shape. I understand I should go by metrics such as VO2max, muscle mass, etc.
I still want a certain number range on the scale.
It is the dragon I battle and always will. I can’t say that I have vanquished it. I wish I could tell my clients that I have. That, at some point, the battle ends and you sit back with the spoils of victory.
You don’t. You choose when to battle, and when to rest and care for yourself. But if you’re on a journey of fitness and body acceptance, you’re never done.
The good news? You can choose the battle. You can ditch the outside pressures and make friends with your body. I am friends with my body now. That is a truth. I don’t feel upset at numbers on a scale, even though I do know my optimal range. I don’t wish to be smaller. And, maybe most importantly:
I realize that my worth, my beauty, and my brilliance are not tied to my weight.
Want to talk more about your journey? Reach Out.
I am a lot. I have many interests. I write steamy novels and geek out over Doctor Who. I avidly follow sports and enjoy discussing Schrӧdinger’s Cat. I am a natural leader and facilitator who craves quiet and needs a private haven.
People can get confused when so many things light you up.
As a result, I’ve spent a lot of time being very careful about what I share. Not trusting that all of me is welcome in any given forum. Knowing from previous experience that people can react very badly when they’re required to question what they know about you. When you’re not exactly who they thought or what they wanted, there’s a tendency to reject all of you.
From my previous post, “Your intensity is alarming to me” was what my mother said to me. More than once, in more than one way. It taught me from very early on to be careful. To mitigate myself in order to appease others.
Except I am intense. I care deeply and work passionately. I believe in championing my friends and clients in the pursuit of their goals. I work hard to chase my own. And I will ferociously protect those I love.
I am many things, not all of which will be someone’s cup of tea. But I’ve also learned how to be intensely me without shoving it down others’ throats. I can show up unapologetically as myself and give others the space to do the same.
Keep intensity but alleviate the pressure. Just never be ashamed of what lights you up.
Take a dive into the areas of life where you’re insecure. (How) do you hide yourself out of fear of rejection? What would happen if you stopped doing that? (And, how do you know that would be the outcome?)
What is a part of you that’s ready to unapologetically shine?
Journal, think, discuss, and comment below!
Photo by Bernard on Unsplash
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